E13 - We Can Totally Afford the Vacation… So Why Does My Husband Still Panic? Discover Your Money Dynamic So You Can Stop Spiraling and Actually LIVE

Let’s set the scene.

You and your partner are looking at the same exact bank account.
Same numbers. Same income. Same savings.

And yet…

One of you is thinking, “Why don’t we finally book that dream trip?”
The other is thinking, “Absolutely not. We’re fine… but not that fine.”

And suddenly, what should be a fun conversation about life turns into tension, frustration, or that weird quiet where nobody’s actually saying what they feel.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “Why does money feel so emotional even though the math looks fine?”

• “Why do I feel like I’m always the cautious one… or the only one who wants to enjoy life?”

• “Why do I earn good money but still don’t feel financially free?”

You’re not broken.
You’re not dramatic.
And you’re definitely not alone.

This is where money mindset, women and investing, and emotional patterns collide, and it’s one of the most important conversations in personal finance for women.

Let’s unpack it.

Money Fights Aren’t About Money (They’re About Safety)

Here’s the truth no one teaches us in investing basics or financial literacy classes:

Money fights are rarely about dollars.
They’re about fear, trust, control, and safety.

Money is just the trigger.

You think you’re arguing about:

• Vacations

• Amazon boxes

• A surprise bill

• Investing vs. “waiting a little longer”

But what’s actually happening underneath is:

• One nervous system craving safety

• Another craving freedom

• Both trying to protect the future in totally different ways

And the wild part?
Most of us were never taught how to understand this.

The concept of emotional intelligence wasn’t even named until the 1990s. Our parents didn’t have the tools — and neither did their parents. So when it comes to money, most of us inherited patterns… not strategies.

Which means your relationship with money today is often shaped by:

• What you saw growing up

• How money was talked about (or avoided)

• What felt safe or unsafe in your family system

No spreadsheets required. Just patterns.

The Two Scarcity Types That Run Most Money Decisions

Most people assume money mindset is either scarcity or abundance.

But in real life? Scarcity comes in two very different flavors, and they behave nothing alike.

Scarcity Type A: “I Can’t”

This is the quiet, freezing kind of scarcity.

It sounds like:

• “I’m just not good with money.”

• “This feels overwhelming.”

• “I don’t trust myself to make the right decision.”

This often shows up as:

• Avoiding investing because it feels complicated

• Letting a partner or advisor handle everything

• Putting decisions off because it feels safer not to choose

Underneath it all is a fear of being bad with money.

Not lazy.
Not careless.
Just scared.

Scarcity Type B: “I Can… But It Could All Disappear”

This one looks confident on the outside and anxious underneath.

It sounds like:

• “I can earn money… but what if something happens?”

• “We can’t slow down now.”

• “What if this all falls apart?”

This often shows up as:

• Constantly checking accounts

• Hyper-saving and under-spending

• Feeling guilty enjoying money even when the numbers support it

This is the hustler hamster energy. Always running. Never resting.

And here’s the important part:
Both scarcity types are trying to protect you.

They’re just using different survival strategies.

Abundance Isn’t Reckless — It’s Regulated

Now let’s talk about abundance, because it’s deeply misunderstood.

Abundance is not:

• Spending without thinking

• Ignoring the numbers

• “Everything will magically work out” vibes

True abundance is trust.

Trust in:

• Yourself

• Your ability to adapt

• The future unfolding without panic

An abundant money mindset looks like:

• Spending without spiraling

• Saving without obsessing

• Making decisions without outsourcing your power

Think golden retriever energy.
Optimistic. Grounded. Confident.

BUT... abundance still needs to be grounded in reality.

Feeling abundant while ignoring your numbers isn’t freedom.
It’s just unanchored optimism.

Financial freedom happens when emotional safety and financial clarity work together.

Why Couples Clash Even When the Numbers Look “Fine”

This is where things get spicy.

Two people can look at the same bank balance and have completely different emotional reactions to it.

That’s how you end up with:

• One partner wanting to book the trip

• The other feeling like you’re one latte away from disaster

It’s not logic.
It’s nervous systems.

Scarcity sees abundance as irresponsible.
Abundance sees scarcity as dramatic.

Both are just trying to feel safe.

So let’s name the chaos.

The “Fruity” Money Dynamics (Yes, This Will Make Sense)

Money dynamics are basically a fruit salad of coping mechanisms. Stay with me.

🍇 Raisin Realist + 🍋 Lime Lookout

(Scarcity A + Scarcity B)

• One freezes and avoids

• The other over-checks and controls

• Both are anxious in different ways

Result: spreadsheets, silent panic, and zero peace.

🍇 Raisin Realist + 🥭 Mango Manifestor

(Scarcity A + Abundance)

• One needs rules and reassurance

• The other runs on vibes and trust

Result: arguments about “being responsible” vs. “actually living.”

🍋 Lime Lookout + 🍍 Pineapple Possibility

(Scarcity B + Abundance)

• One lives in future panic

• The other lives in present confidence

Result: control vs. calm tension that looks functional… until pressure hits.

🍑 Peachy Positivity + 🥥 Coconut Cruiser

(Abundance + Abundance)

• All optimism, no structure

• Big fun, big bills later

Result: joyful chaos and eventual “oh shit” moments.

None of these are wrong.

They’re just patterns.

Where These Money Patterns Actually Come From

Here’s the part most personal finance advice skips.

Your money reactions didn’t start with you.

They’re often inherited.

Think about generations who lived through:

• The Great Depression

• Job loss

• Banks failing

• Economic instability

Those experiences created real fear, and that fear got passed down as beliefs.

Beliefs like:

• “Money can disappear overnight.”

• “You have to hold on tight.”

• “You can’t trust systems.”

Even when those beliefs no longer apply… the nervous system still reacts.

And until you name that, you’ll keep repeating it.

Understanding Creates Compassion (And Power)

This is where everything changes.

When you understand:

• Why you react the way you do

• Why your partner reacts differently

Money stops feeling like a fight to win and starts becoming a problem you solve together.

Understanding leads to:

• Less shame

• More clarity

• Better decisions

And this is where women and investing becomes deeply empowering.

Because when you understand your money, you stop giving your power away.

The 3-Step Money Safety System (This Is the Game-Changer)

Here’s how you ground emotions in reality... without killing freedom.

1️⃣ Create a Shared Vision

If you don’t know where you’re going, money will always feel ambiguous.

Ask:

• What kind of life are we building?

• What actually matters to us?

• What are we working toward together?

This alone eliminates so many future fights.

2️⃣ Know Your Financial Baseline

This is investing basics meets emotional safety.

You need clarity on:

• Income

• Expenses

• Emergency fund

• Saving & investing rate

For scarcity types: this creates certainty.
For abundance types: this grounds freedom.

If the numbers support the decision and the panic is still there. It’s not a money problem. It’s a feelings one.

3️⃣ Set a “Freedom to Spend” Number

This is permission without guilt.

A number you don’t need to ask about.
A number that feels safe and spacious.

For example:

• Anything under $100 = no discussion

• No guilt. No panic. No control issues.

This gives:

• Scarcity safety

• Abundance freedom

And suddenly money feels lighter.

If You’re Invested But Don’t Understand Your Portfolio…

If you’re a high-achieving woman who:

• Earns good money

• Is invested

• But doesn’t fully understand where your money goes

That disconnect quietly steals your confidence.

You end up:

• Deferring to an advisor

• Letting your partner lead

• Avoiding decisions you’re capable of making

Learning investing isn’t about being aggressive or obsessed.

It’s about financial independence, clarity, and self-trust.

Your Takeaways (Bookmark This)

• You’re not bad with money. You’re patterned.

• Scarcity and abundance are survival strategies, not flaws

• Financial freedom requires emotional safety and numbers

• Understanding your money gives you back your power

Ready to Go Deeper?

✨ Listen to the full podcast episode for the stories, nuance, and laughs that didn’t all fit here.
✨ Download my free Investing Essentials Guide to finally understand what’s driving your portfolio (without overwhelm).
✨ Join my email list for real-life personal finance for women — no shame, no jargon.
✨ Book a call if you’re ready to stop outsourcing your confidence and build wealth with clarity.

You don’t need to try harder.

You need to understand what you already have and trust yourself with it.

That’s where real financial freedom begins.